Not on a silver platter

Tonight I learned that life doesn't come to you on a silver platter. I learned that though you may have grown up in a world where you spent 19 years of your life surrounded by parents and family who love you, familiar faces to count on, familiar roads to walk down, you soon learn that the world is larger than you expected, that it is in fact a very large and at times scary place.

I had the privilege of going to my two little cousin's concert tonight. My other cousin and I got dressed up and attended my aunt and uncle to the concert hall. Then afterwards, we went to one of the best Japanese restaurants in the city. Tired and itching to come home earlier this evening, I came home to find an unknown car parked in my stall. What happened next is now sort of a blur. Confused and flustered, I ended up calling my friend in Calgary from whom I am subletting the apartment and was directed to the mananger's office on the first floor. I went there, found it empty and locked and buzzed building maintenance. A low and annoyed voice answered and while I explained my story, I was told that I would have to deal with it on my own, that I would have to call city by-law. So I did. And phoning them, I waited and stood in a dark corner of my street across from a rowdy frat party. After half and hour, the constable arrived and I showed him my parking stall. At that point, I was asked for proof of ownership, of papers that I did not have and after calling my friend in Calgary again, I was told that she was out. I called her with the constable waiting patiently beside me but her cell was not working. I then apologized to the officer and tried her house again, hoping to get her parents only to be told that they were out. After 3 more times with no luck, the constable told me that he couldn't wait anymore, and asked me to double check whether stall #106 was really mine. After asking me several questions, he informed me that an earlier incident had taken place this semester where a girl from Calgary (my friend's name rang a bell with him) mistakenly thought that this was her stall. He told me that my stall was probably on the first floor. So he kindly told me to get all the information and papers needed (an email would suffice but I presently have no toner) and to call him in the morning.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this weekend was one of the hardest that I've ever had to go through. After tonight, I think I finally realize why I've been so upset and flustered this week; it's because I've learned that you have to take initiative in order to live life. Ever since I left Calgary (now two weeks ago) I have had responsibility after responsibility coming before me. I have had to been responsible for not only my life, but the lives of my friends and family I love.

The Sunday night before I moved here, I was in the most pain that I have ever been in my life. I was so sick that I could not sleep or move for 7 hours that night. And in the morning, after a phone call explaining to one of my best friends what happened the night before, I almost fainted on the bathroom floor. Within that morning, I had to decide if I was fit to drive her and myself up to Edmonton, I had to make what I felt to be a major decision because in deciding to still go ahead and drive as planned, I would be responsible for her life. The ball was in my court and I went with it. God was gracious because He protected us and we made it safe to her apartment.

There have been other tests. I have had to learn to walk to the grocer's, to return a video before it's due, to fill up gas and tonight, to drive on unknown roads with my two little cousins in the back. I was so scared for them because I am not a good or confident driver, especially in unknown places but tonight, my aunt and uncle trusted me, and when my two cousins asked if they could go with Leanne and me, they agreed so easily, as if they knew things were going to be okay. So I had to find the courage to drive confidently and I said a silent prayer for their safety; we were okay.

It is hard to take initiative to live your life. Ever since living by myself, I have learned that if you want things done, you have to start the motions yourself. If I don't want to be alone, I have to call. If I want to eat, I have to cook. I cleaned the whole apartment today. There is no one to discipline you and so not only do I have to learn to eat and cook by myself, but I have to learn portion control and to discipline myself to not binge eat.

Friday night, coming home from Superstore I got lost. Scrambling in unknown roads for nearly half an hour - and starving - I made it home to find that I had missed fellowship. Even if I had wanted to go, I didn't know how to get there and my cousins didn't get my messages until later that night.

I don't know if I make any sense because I'm scrambling for words. I just needed to get this out. In nearly everything I've had to do since I got here, I have had to do it myself and it's hard, because sometimes you just don't feel like you have the energy to start. But I also can't just sit here and not let it get done. The garbage needs to be taken out; so does the recycling. My car needs gas. I need to learn how to get to church tomorrow and therefore make the necessary calls. I need to phone the constable tomorrow. I need to speak with buliding maintenance. I have never had to stand up for myself, to look out for myself until this summer. I need God. I need to be close to Him but even that is up to me, to make time for Him. I'm tired and numb but grateful that He's been there for me since I've arrived.