Toronto

I'm not sure where to start except that this year I feel like I've suffered many blows. It's been completely by God's grace that I've managed to maintain my marks but I am so embarrassed by some of the mistakes I've made in my papers. God's grace has most definitely been shown.

I'll be sending in the first of four applications tomorrow. It was exciting picking up my transcript and buying cool bubbled envelopes to contain everything. The little joys in life right? The only thing that's really pulling me down right now is this overwhelming feeling that maybe I'm not cut out for grad school. Maybe I'm not "Type A" or disciplined enough. To the person whom I have wanted to make the greatest impression, I feel like I've failed him miserably. I haven't submitted any pages of my thesis to my supervisor this year and though I plan to do this in the winter and be really disciplined over the break, he's writing my reference letters now. He's writing my letters to big places and it is just so discouraging to walk away from his office each time with something I've written shredded or handed back to me. I worry every day what he will say in those letters. As one of the criteria for grad school is the sense of vocation, I worry that he doubts my own ability. All of a sudden, nothing I do seems good enough. And sometimes I just want to remind him that I did do good work for him. Great work even. But none of that matter to what's ahead now.

I know I have to trust God with this. I have to trust that I will be where He wants me to be next year but even if it's not England, I would still like to have the choice. But then that's the human part of me talking.