C.S. Lewis once wrote: "Humans live in time but our [God] destines them to eternity. He therefore, I believe, wants them to attend chiefly to two things, to eternity itself, and to that point of time which they call the Present. For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity (emphasis mine).**
The past three weeks have undoubtedly been some of the toughest I have been through. And it's not like anything I've ever experienced. This year has been marked by many moments like that and it is as if a new lesson awaits each week; it is as if the God of the universe has a treasure house full of life lessons to be learned. And I believe He desires to teach them to us, if we are so willing.
Within the context of the relationship Lewis was drawing between us and time, he explains how dangerous it is to live in either the past or future. To live in the past is to shackle oneself to the hurts and glories of yesterday - to be forever nostalgic - while to live in the future is to live in ever-unfulfilled fantasies and expectations. It is an escape into disappointment itself, and it removes our focus away from the immediate wonders and responsibilities God has set before us.
The difficult in identifying sin lies in the way it can mask itself with the goodness of this world. Being homesick was not bad in itself for it made me realize just how much I loved my family and friends back home. But in letting myself stop there, I had completely forgotten why I was here. And herein lies the key to that stolen joy I was trying to find.
The world changes with each passing day, and the past that was once our present some days grows more and more distant, so much so that it becomes something that always recedes before us (Fitzgerald). Being ill and immensely homesick was difficult, but it shouldn't have taken away my focus. It shouldn't have put me at some distance. "Illness, difficulty, and discomfort, [...] may or may not be the direct result of our sins. But they are are always an opportunity for us to assess ourselves in our spiritual state in the presence of God" (Julian). The relationship between sickness and sin is something that I don't think I will ever understand. But I do know this: that through those episodes of dizziness and nauseau, through those hard to wake up mornings, God forced me on my knees one day and changed another piece of my heart. "Times of trial don't mean less confession but more. So when you suffer, don't just feel sorry for yourself. See if there's something you need to get right with God" (Julian).
Today was the first day since I've been back where I felt that joy come back. The dizziness and vertigo was minimal, but the passion was as great as it had ever been.
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