My mom is a woman of simple faith. And paradoxically, for all the analyses of love and grace, her simplicity is far wiser than these for it is a simplicity that exercises itself in a faith she actually lives out. Thus is the recurring theme in the Bible for "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble" (James 4:6).
I've been learning a lot about humility since I've been back. I've always understood with my mind the principles behind it - how despair is just as proud and destructive as pride - but I don't think I have every truly known it in my heart. And I'm not even close. In all three gospels, Jesus tells the story of the rich man who desires to go to heaven. And he states near its close that: "Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God" (Lk 18:24-26, cf. Mt 19:24, Mk 10:25). Such a vivid image paints the impossibility for those of us (especially) with so much - those rich in more ways than one, more than the material - to come bow before the foot of the cross.
I wake up each morning to an email from my mom. This morning, in addition to a list of songs God told her to put down (and endearing as she is to offer to sing them to me if I didn't know the tune), she also reminded me to be constantly and persistently thankful, telling me not to ask "too many "why'[s]"" but to "just ask God "what I can do for Him and how to get over it." She closed by writing: "Put down your pride and let [yourself] get closer to God." And I heard it in the most loving of voices, in the voice of a woman who sees so clearly what I often muddle.
If I were to be honest with myself (and as I say this, I lay bare my heart), I would have to say that many of my feelings of inadequacy, of feeling overwhelmed, had and has to do with an inner desire to know that I am "good." To know that there is something in me that makes me worthy of studying here, that equates me with the brilliance of the people who surround me. How ugly a statement, how ugly an admission. How true a sin. I came home crying yesterday partly because I saw what seemed to be an insurmountable work before me and I just didn't want to do it. There are days where I realize how much more work I need to put into things in order to achieve a similar understanding as those around me. It is hard for me to grasp things, to understand things, and as a result, I always feel lacking.
Pastor Julian preached a powerful message on pride and humility last week. And as I graze over my notes right now, I read: "We should depend on Him moment by moment for every breath we take, to not treat prayer as an after thought or as a token moment to start or end the day with." Bishop Ramsey reminds us to "be ready to accept humiliations as this is the little mirror to our humble Lord." Humiliations seem to have come in hordes this week and I didn't accept them graciously. My inner and most powerful demon is one of inadequacy. My inner disposition is to feel strikingly pain and sadness.
Pride comes in so many forms. But for me, it almost consistently comes in only one form. Now, who can be proud at the foot of the cross? (Gal. 6:14).
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