second chances

We all need second chances. Jesus' answer in Matthew 18:21 is telling:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

I love Jesus' answer. I love it because it expresses an aspect of salvation that is so difficult to live out but wonderful to experience. And these moments are difficult to come by because there are far and few people who will have the patience and love to stand by you through those difficult moments. Most often they consist of your family (because they are your family), and if you're lucky, a handful of good friends.

I'm learning a lot about myself lately. Most of it isn't all that good. In fact, most of it is rather ugly. For instance, I've learned that I am a rather sceptical person, that I have real difficulty in believing a person's sincerity. And while I could trace this characteristic to a series of disappointments in the past, it's not an excuse and not something I'd like to keep if I can help it. It's a useful tool but should be used sparingly, discretely.

I am also obstinate. I'm an idealist and so when the world on the outside doesn't match the world in my head, I'm not sure how to handle the disjunction. Often times I react rather poorly and have difficulty trying to explain what I'm thinking. That's another thing I'd like to change.

Last night, my best friend said 'we all have our demons'. It's true; we do. But I guess what puzzles me is why it is only now that this 'demon' is starting to emerge. My friend speculated that it may be because I'm learning what it means to speak my mind, to assert, and a part of me thinks she's right. It's hard to admit. It's hard to admit that up until a certain point in your life, you've had no voice; or rather, that you've been scared to speak it out loud. And so maybe that's why it's been so difficult to communicate how I understand the world. Because for the most part, I haven't believed that others wanted to hear it. And that's something that has to change if I eventually want to teach.

But in learning how to assert, I've messed up a lot. Learning any new skill is a challenge but changing the way you look at the world is downright difficult. Learning a new way of thinking also makes you very vulnerable. And you end up making a lot of mistakes.

I guess I just want to say that I'm thankful. I'm thankful for three people in particular who have allowed me to make a series of mistakes this year, often at the expense of tears on all our parts. I've watched them struggle with each other, watched myself struggle with each of them, and then watched us all try to change. A while back, my friend asked me for grace, and I'm going to try. I really am. This grace means making allowances for each other's mistakes, for when we 'drop the ball' and hurt one another (always unintentionally); I'm going to try to because we all know that I've messed up countless numbers of times, and that I've been given grace, that they've extended grace. It's all about second chances.

Last thought: change takes time and the test of sincerity is time. Because you see, you can never tell in that first moment (of change) whether that person means what he or she says/does. But if you love that person, and know from experience, from that past, that he or she loves you, then you just have to believe. And it's that person's actions afterwards, from that point forward, that will be the test of truth, the test of sincerity. The thing is, you just have to have the faith to allow that change to be sincere.

Posted on November 4, 2006 at 05:31PM