Rue

A friend of mine once told me that the reason why she loved working with kids so much was because they were so pure. Not that they never got into any trouble; rather that their personalities were unadulterated. They were what they were - little bundles of essence if that makes sense.

When I was in school, I used to start all over. If I made a mistake on my page, had a colour slip outside the map line, or found a blotch at the top right hand corner of the foolscap, I would start over. I would start over until what I had before me was a copy of what I wanted in my mind's eye - unblemished.

In the past twenty-four hours I have been experiencing a lot of regret. Such small things that could easily be let go of. Yet I am hanging onto them as if they meant something significant. It is hard to let go. Sometimes you wish you could be perfect in all the details of life and make the right choices - always. Never have any lost opportunities. A rational interlocutor would now point out that life is always about opportuity costs, but in answer to that I would say that we often give ourselves less credit for the amount of clairvoyance we actually have in most situations. I went with how I felt in the moment - with fear and laziness - rather than with what I knew was best. And it would have been okay had I not been recently rebuked for my actions - a slight one but one that for some reason cuts so deep. Maybe it is the feeling that I inconvenienced the Kitchen Office (and was admonished as a result), maybe it was
because I lost a contact opportunity, maybe because there were so many 'I expected to see you there; I looked forward to seeing you's by peers and colleagues, by friends. Most of all, maybe it is because I feel like I did not do the right thing.

This is a fastidious reflection. I guess I just need to say sorry officially. And remind myself always to choose the rational over the emotional, especially when it is possible to do so. My best friend was right - you never want to live with a 'what if' no matter how small that 'what if' is.

Posted on February 21, 2008 at 04:22AM