It's six minutes to 11 pm on a Friday night and I'm waiting for a phone interview that seems so far away. I've called six times and haven't been able to get through. Perhaps I would be more scared if the Director actually picked up his end of the phone. Then again, I would also be able to sleep soon after and breath a sigh of relief. I feel as if God has a purpose in this delay and that I'm missing it. Whether I am supposed to read over my answers again, search His word, or familiarise myself with a statement of faith. But my eyes are unwilling. Because I am so tired.
I haven't been able to figure out where this exhaustion has been coming from lately. All I know is that after a few hours in the morning I begin to fade. It took every inch of me to hang onto those last few hours of teaching today.
It is this exhaustion that I am worried about. I feel emotionally, physically, and intellectually drained. There are good things going on, and I am aware of them as they happen and swirl around me. Yet I feel as if I am moving in slow motion, and that life is heavy. A veneer shrouds the brightest of gifts and I wish something would wake me from this soporific stupour.
I keep looking ahead to that trip home at the beginning of April, as if that would be the answer to this tiredness. But I am afraid that it might not be, and that 'home' in the physical, geographical sense, is only the easiest thing to hang my explanations on. Something needs to change, but what I'm not sure what.
The metaphor of this year is the journey whose destination I cannot see. That we must decidedly lose sight of the top of the mountain in order to make our way towards it. This echoes in my mind and heart. Perhaps this is the part of the journey where you are in the thickest part of the forest; this is where you put one foot in front of the other out of pure faith, not knowing how much longer you will have to keep doing this - one step, two step - before you reach a clearing. I wish I could see that clearing.
I've decided to go to The City tomorrow, get out of Cambridge for a day or so and feel the life of London move around me. Between now and then there are just over twelve hours, and a phone call needs to happen before then.
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