My dad is one of my dearest and closest friends. There is no doubt about that. And my mom? She's my mom and one that puts her entire heart and soul into her family so yes, I love her. Very much so. But while in my mind's eye, my parents are two of the greatest, most loving people in the world, I know that they are human and I have seen faults. I have seen rage, irrationality, and heard hurtful words. I have experienced hurt from misunderstandings, miscommunications and yes, even fear (sometimes unjustified, sometimes not).
There is a reason why I often have to leave so fast after church. There is a reason why I have to "meet" people elsewhere instead of having them pick me up. There is a reason why I hesitate to invite people into my house. There is a reason why I have to back out of so many things. If you only knew how many times I pre-emptively say no to things so I won't have to back out. Saying "no, I can't" is almost instinctive as it pre-emptively prevents that person from dissappointment. If I am, by chance, able to make it last minute, then so much the better. At least I wouldn't have had to back out, yet again.
And so without going into the faults or neuroses of my parents, I will ask that people don't pass judgement on me. Trust me. I don't do this because I don't understand the importance of friendships, of relationships, of what it means to spend time with people. Believe me, I know. But if I am to keep some of those relationships, I have to play my cards right. I have to paint a picture for my parents of that person whom I want to stay friends with. I have already been doing it for the past 13 years and it really is not that much different from when I was in Junior High. For the rest of my friends, it may be, but for me, this is very much how it is. Will it change when I leave for England? I don't know. I hope so, in some healthy form. But I know that with this neuroses also comes a really tight and private family. And so, there are mixed feelings in general.
I am sorry for all the times I have had to back out of things. And trust me, I know the ridiculous nature of some of the reasons I give (my parents are sometimes very illogical and irrational). But please don't judge me because of this. If you only knew how much I have had to fight for my friendships these past 13 years.
1 comment:
AUTHOR: em
DATE: 09/07/2005 05:10:51 AM
i completely understand...it's a love/grrrrr relationship w/ the parents...but they are the parents and we are the children...so we must obey (cuz God said so)...but yes, know that you are not alone in this struggle...and know that it will also get better with time, especially since you're moving halfway across the world...i can only dream of doing what you're doing :)
always here for you, tru.
em
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