A little burnt out...

It's been so long since I've stepped into the library at promptly 0800 hours. I used to do it every Tuesday for a morning accountability with a group of girls two years ago and now, doing it again - being here at this time - has brought back a bit of nostalgia. It's not even that early, just a brief half an hour more. But somehow that half an hour has been able to bring up more thinking than I would like to entertain at so early an hour.

This past week has been a bit of a rocky ride. Or rather, it's just been darn confusing. A long week, I can hardly remember the sequence of events, only that I felt like I was forcing myself to get through every inch of it. God had done some really amazing things only two weeks ago, so why the slough? Why the difficulty in doing what I need to, doing what I'm supposed to, being proactive and living purposefully?

In a few weeks, I'll be turning 21. Yes. That big number that signifies a whole bunch of things. Am I ready? Not only your life. But apparently forces greater than myself are at work and think otherwise. If someone were to have asked me six months ago whether I was ready to take this next step in my life, I would have told them that even wild dogs could not keep me away. It's funny then, how, when I am finally approaching that last lag of this journey, I am the most apprehensive, most uncertain, most apathetic, and most tired. A part of me truly believes that the difficulty of this past week - and its present encroachment into this one - is the result of some unconscious unwillingness to move on. Now that it is actually "here" but not yet fully "here", I afraid to take that step because right now it feels like a jump. So while I ran a fast race for most of this year, I am kicking and screaming in this last quarter.

There are not many times in life where you can distinctively point out a time and place where everything sort of collides. For me at least, this year, turning a significant number, graduating, moving out, and being unsure of where I'll land, is such a place. In what seems so short a time (and at the same time years ago), I feel like so much has changed. And a part of me wonders what I was doing two years ago to this day, to this hour. Was I happy? I think so. Am I happy now? I think so too. Maybe I'm just a little burnt out.