Imperceptible hearts

The problem with asking God what He really wants is that most often His answer surprises you. As we grow older, we realize that prayer is more than a laundry list of things we'd like to get done during the course of our day and as we sit in silence before Him, we grow more and more aware of the fact that perhaps we really don't know what we want.

'Delight yourself in the LORD
And he will give you the desires of your heart' (Psalm 37:4)

These past few weeks have forced me to do a lot of thinking, a lot of re-evaluating, and soul-searching. They've taken me back to that panicked time at the start of this term where I was thinking a lot about North American grad schools and their programs of study. Cambridge is a wonderful place to be in and its name is well known and recognized throughout the world. Last year ranked second after Harvard right? Perhaps that's what makes contemplating leaving so difficult.

Praying this morning, I felt peace for the first time thinking about the 'other fork in the road'. The alternative to staying here next year is going back home and taking a year 'out'. That year would consist of applying to graduate programs in Canada and actually having time to study for the GRE and Subject Tests to apply to schools in the States.

So many people I know have taken a gap year in between their degrees, and none of them have regretted doing so. The top student in our course this year (she is truly such an amazing person, and the brightest) took a few years after her undergrad to work and figure out what she wanted. I think it shows in her work. I think it shows in the way she handles herself in groups, her confidence in her writing and life in general. She wasn't in a rush to get things done. And now at 25, she's where she should be and has recently met someone to share that life with.

Sometimes I ask myself what I'm in a rush for. I've always been the youngest in my class and yet I've always felt the most pressure to 'finish first'. Many people at 22 are starting new degrees, finishing up fifth years, or taking time out. But for me 22 still feels like I'm not finishing fast enough, like I'm behind the herd. Does any of that even make sense?

Maybe because my friends have either always been older (24/25) or incredibly precocious, knowing exactly what they wanted and moving in that direction. It's also difficult because I think that 'other fork in the road' would have to mean a 'non-success' here in Cambridge, and that's something I'm still trying to grapple with. Until this past year, deciding between Cambridge and Toronto, I have never had to make a decision that really mattered. I think God knows that I'm scared to take responsibility for decisions and that given successes, I wouldn't question otherwise. Perhaps that's why He needs to 'shut the door' in order to make me walk the other way. Because I wouldn't do it otherwise. It's been like that for relationships and I've been thinking lately that perhaps that's how He works in my life in general, just because He knows me so well.

More than anything, I just want my parents to be okay. I don't know if that's realistic because life is full of surprises, but if I could give them what they never dreamed for (until this grad school thing came) then I know I'd be happy. It's just that they've given so much of themselves.

I wish I could shut out the voices of judgment and hear the peace in my heart. They're imagined voices but they're present nonetheless. We imagine this world of expectation and it's a tough world to live in. Life isn't always about successes, but sometimes its 'failures' are the real successes. Because they take you to places you never imagined.

LORD, make my desire your desire.

Posted on August 4, 2006 at 04:23AM