Hubris

In this past week, I have seen more of a deeper side of me than I had ever wanted to see, or know. I have always known that there was something deeply seeded in the way I reacted to certain things, in my responses to people, to situations, but in all cases, I don't think I fully understood why I reacted the way I did or what was at the root.

I think now about my actions over these past few days and sometimes I want to break down and cry for I am horrified at the inner monsters that have come to dominate my insides. I am horrified and disgusted with the ugliness that brews within, that cannot help but react in certain ways. Maybe other people don't notice it, but I know that I do, which is why I often find myself apologizing profusely to people who are confused as to why I'm doing it. See, I am not apologizing for anything I may have done, but I apologize for my tone of voice, my attitude, whatever is going on inside of me.

If I could make it stop I would. But I can't and I cannot decipher whether it is pride brewing up inside of me or something else. I have always struggled with balance and at this point, I'm trying to understand what humility is, what it entails and how to submit to it.