The fear of all things false

I haven't written in here for a long time and I don't like following a somewhat sad or self-deprecating (not that I meant to, it just was) entry with another of like manner because in reality, my life is also full of happiness and many many blessings that I cannot even begin to count.

Today I write in here because I need to. I can't bring myself to write in an email because I don't feel like I can - not by any fault of any one person, but rather, for myself - I do not want to burden anyone with the weight of what I'm going through, especially when things are so joyous outside. I suppose that's what people mean when they refer to perpetual isolation.

School has become quite difficult lately and I find myself running into walls each way I turn. Greek has become a struggle and my honours project seems to have stagnated. The worst part of all this is, is that I'm struggling for some sort of affirmation that I'm okay, that I'm worthy of something. I cannot express how much my supervisor's approval or even some sort of encouragement means. Deep down I am so angry at him that it has become an anger expressed not in words but in tears. I have a meeting with him tomorrow and I need to start asking for a reference but I haven't progressed with my project any much further than last time and I will need to tell him that I did not get an interview for the scholarship. I don't even know where to begin.

And maybe that's why this scholarship meant so much to me. I hadn't expected to cry over it, to have it afect me in such a way. This is what I had feared, this is what I had aniticpated - that the committe would find me false.

I have always known that my biggest dislike is of those things false. I cannot stand (not in a haughty way but in a way that makes me uncomfortable or embarrassed for others) duplicity or pretension, but I have never known how much I feared it.

I stopped in by my Greek Professor's office today and asked him how I can better deal with the Greek at hand. As we're reading real Greek authors, I am struggling with Greek idioms, especially because I am not a Classics major. He was - to my relief - respectful and encouraging, letting me know that he has not found me any less conscientious than before and that I might try to read some previous translations of the passages we're reading; he told me not to be afraid of comparing my own work to other translations, to not be afraid of "cheating" because it's not. And to an extent, I know that.

In myself, I hold a very high standard of being true. Things have to be done a certain way, maintain a certain truth and have no inkling of pretension. But sometimes you can't walk through the world in baby steps at a time, sometimes you have to jump and maybe that's something I haven't quite figured out yet - how to jump and not condemn myself in the process.