Crisis in Faith

'Trudy, go get your Bible and turn to Psalms [sic] 42. Read verse 5.'

My mom led me through these passages and Psalm 43:5 last night over the phone. She told me about how God had promised her good things and how she knew that things were going to work out.

God answered my mom's prayers yesterday. I say answered her prayers specifically because I didn't really come to God in this. I mean, I came to him in prayer but I don't think my heart was really in it. James writes:

'If you need wisdom - if you want to know what God wants you to do - ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do'.

I'm not sure if there are any people who haven't come to know Christ who read this blog. But if there are, I guess I just want to assure them that this is not some made-up thing or religious perception. It is real and it's about faith. I don't doubt the reality of God nor can I deny all the very tangible ways that He works in my life and others. But because the Christian faith is built on the relationship between God and man, it gets messy. There is not a set number of penances that you can do to assure yourself of salvation or peace of mind. There are no surface answers. When God moves, when He changes, He starts at the very core. And that's why it gets messy. Because it's real.

Two and a half months ago, I reached a point of complete brokenness while writing my dissertation. But the dissertation was only the red herring. The real issue at heart was my pride, the way I thought. God was trying to teach me something very fundamental; He was trying to prepare me for the next step. Not without struggle, I did end up in a place where I felt like I understood what He wanted to teach me and I submitted. And the fruits of that submission have been abundant; all have been the blessings of obedience.

But you see, since then, my broken heart has healed in a unruly manner. Jesus tells the parable of the evil spirit who wanders the arid land 'seeking rest and does not find it'. It returns, instead, to the house it left and finding it unoccupied and clean and put in order, goes and finds seven spirits more wicked than itself to live there. He notes that the final condition of the man is worse than the first (Matt. 12:43-45). As Christians, we cannot be spiritually overtaken in this way. However, this parable speaks to the necessary process of replacing the old sins with God's spirit, with His newness. He does not bring us to places of brokenness for no reason. When we're at that point, He wants to show us a new path to walk, a newness to life, a greater joy and confidence. I somehow mistepped the other way.

And so instead of learning not to expect in the things of this world but to hope in Him, I learned to not hope or expect at all. I grew cynical and sceptical. And as I've noted before, scepticism destroys faith. I grew bitter and fearful, not understanding why I couldn't expect good things, why I always had to beat myself up and place myself at rock bottom so that I would never be disappointed. It's a destructive way of thinking and living and I see that now. I do.

See, the thing about the Christian faith is that it's full of paradoxes: whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for [Christ] will save it (Mk 8:35); if anyone wants to be the first, he must be the last (Mk 9:35); and so on. The Beatitudes contain several. And the beauty of paradoxes is that they continue to elude this world. Because you can't just 'get' paradoxes; you can't just say 'Oh, I understand it now' and go on to live your life in an enlightened manner; it takes a life time and you're only ever permitted glimpses at a time. The most poignant moments in life; the epiphanic moments in literature, art, music; and even the eureka moments in science are themselves glimpses into paradox: things that shouldn't make sense, that didn't make sense before, but now do make sense.

How one can not expect and fall prideful and yet still with prayerful hope and joy have faith and trust is still something that eludes me. I don't get it. Yet.

Posted on October 21, 2006 at 05:01AM