Amazing Providence

These past six months have been some of the most taxing of my life; they've been taxing not because I have had to carry the burden alone, but rather because I have seen the toll that it's taken on my family.

My grandma's health has rapidly declined in this past week. Not even two weeks ago, I was able to spend a whole night with her, talking, teaching her board games and sharing dinner together (two dinners actually because she forgot we ate at 5:00). It's amazing how in those times, it never occurs to you that that night might be the last time she'll ever be that lively again; you never realize how much you'll treasure that night with her, that you went that night out of obedience to your exhausted family only to be blessed by it. Seeing her last night, helping my aunt help her brush her teeth and getting all wet, it broke my heart.

I haven't written in a while because a part of me feels like this is personal. But more practically, I haven't been able to really sit down and think because we've had so much family coming in, eating dinner, taking pictures and visiting the hospital. Life lately has consisted of commuting between the hospital, restaurant and home. It's been a blessing though because of the amount of family.

My grandpa had a heart attack yesterday afternoon. I have never met this man. I grew up with my grandma but him I have never seen and now I may not ever because he is lying in an intensive care unit in Hong Kong. There is so much stress in my family right now. There are so many legal and financial matters that it seems unfair for any of my aunts, uncles, or parents to deal with so much when they are struggling so much to cope. Lately I've been in between breaking down and being just numb. The thing is, I sound so heroic in this entry but really I'm not. A writer once told me that to lay out your life raw before your readers is many times self indulgent. She said it robbed something from your life. I don't know why I'm sharing but for some reason I feel as if I have to justify my absence from home and thus phone calls. I am so tired of justifying.