Verdict

26 hours ago...

Dez: 'I know it's hard. Maybe work as if it's going to happen'.

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23 hours ago...

An: 'It's the hardest thing. Easier said than done: actively waiting. But the worst thing is being unprepared. I have a feeling that it's soon. [You'll know] this week'.

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16 hours ago...

Luca: 'So you're staying? You're still here! So the PhD! You're staying right?'

'I don't know Luca.'

Luca: 'You'll be fine. I know it'.

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1 hour ago...

English Faculty Lobby.

Deciding to finish the last chapter of my book before heading home for dinner and fellowship. Voices of children on the staircase. I freeze. Eyes drawn to words on the page. Eyes concentrating so hard on the page that the words go blurry. I try to control my breath. breathe. maybe he won't see you. Pristine British accents and the sound of laughter from a toddling girl and boy at the water cooler just five meters from where I sit, frozen, wishing with every ounce of my body that I could just disappear into the wall in front of me.

The shadow of legs move past me.

'Daddy!'

The movement of tinier shadows.

'Shhh. Honey, this is where Daddy works. You have to be quiet okay? Okay? There.'

The shadow moves past me again. I can't not look. This is ridiculous. It is obvious that he can see me. I breathe and look up. I still think that the Director of Studies has the warmest, kindest pair of eyes.

'Hi', he smiles.

'H-i', I stutter.

'How are you?' His eyes still warm, still kind, encouraging.

'I'm okay'.

'Are you staying?'

'I- I don't know'.

'What do you mean? What are you waiting for?'

'....Marks'.

'Ah,' he nods and pushes up his glasses - it's a habit. 'It's a bit silly isn't it? The Degree Committee just met this past Friday and we just sent everything to BoGs. But it only seems humane [that I tell you]'. He nods again, 'you're staying'. His right hand gestures in a mock whisper and I think of the asides in drama, 'you're staying'. Then again, assuredly, 'you're staying'. He takes his son - large blue eyes - by the hand and begins to walk away. 'I'm glad you're staying. I'll see you Wednesday'.

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Posted on October 2, 2006 at 11:46AM