. Others enjoy their last few hours before dawn wakes them; I move - grasp - for some meaning and purpose. Sometimes lucidity is overwhelming: full realizations of so much more.
This past week I've been sleeping earlier and as a result, waking earlier. 5 a.m., 6 a.m (toe-mah-toe, poe-tah-toe). The morning is still clothed in a blanket of darkness and the twinkling lights of the homes below (for I live in the attic you remember) remind me of more familiar - more comfortable - 12 a.m.'s.
There is the good and there is the bad. For in such moments you become conspicuously aware that it is just you and Him and there are no excuses for rushing ahead with the day without seeking His guidance, praying for enough faith, asking for direction. I feel so small. And in the quietness of these hours so much sin is revealed: you miss the mark. Birds and sunlight wake most (or perhaps in the less idyllic reality it is the blaring beep of the hated alarm clock); short-comings wake me. I toss and turn, the day is long, and I have to remember the temporality of it all in order to keep breathing. Temporality makes you purposeful; sight of the goal enlivens hope and quickens the heart.
And I am struck by the non-sacrifices that I make. I should be volunteering more. I should be working harder. I should - I should - I need.
Follows the calm wave of His voice and the reassuring hand resting on your shoulder. I still don't understand but He speaks:
'The Lord is more pleased when we do what is just and right than when we give him sacrifices' (Proverbs 21:3)
Never in the doing but always in the heart. I want to be ---
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