....to begin with,

So here we are. Having arrived after four months of tears, sweat and grit, I'm standing at a place I never thought would come. I know it might not mean much to most people and it's difficult to explain just why it means so much to me but on the eve of returning home, I can hardly breathe.

Both my grandparents passed away this summer. I worked as a dental assistant for the first two months and spent the last two running the family business and working as an au pair to my two youngest cousins. I helped a friend get married and both cried and laughed with and for her through her experience; I've talked with good friends until dawn, met new and interesting people, and I have even discovered something about myself and those closest to me; I have been broken and repaired again.

I had a really rough couple of days this weekend. At times, I felt as if I was at the end of my rope, struggling to hold on and "be there" for those I had promised to. Yesterday especially I just felt like being unreasonable, of letting my emotions run just to feel the release of them all; I needed a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen; most of all, I needed a heart to understand.

This place means a lot to me because it is unplaceable. Untangible and having not yet materialized, It is a place of "inbetween", of uncertainty and anxiety, one that makes you want to throw-up and laugh at the same time (disturbing image, I know). I don't think I can fully explain what I feel right now in this very moment. All I know is that it is happening and I am so scared of letting it start because this year, this time, I don't know where I'll end up.