Since then

In-between times are always difficult. You are neither here nor there and you wake up with an irrepressible listlessness about you.

It's been nine days since I handed in my dissertation. What a mammoth of a paper; it incorporated so much, it represents so much still. So many lessons have been taught, so many battles have been fought, over the past twelve months and it's difficult to try to sit and process them all. But that's what I do. I cannot allow life to sweep by without constructing narratives to organize and understand it. Everything has a meaning. Everything has its place.

What makes this time different from all the rest is the suspension of life's 'debriefing'. My dissertation hand-in coincided with my sister's visit and I feel like those deep, penetrating moments were swept aside for seven days of non-stop eating, sleeping, shopping, and entertainment. Bashing around Cambridge and London, I tried so hard not to let that contemplative part fall to the wayside; I tried so hard not to let those quiet moments with God become cursory prayers.

I've been back in Cambridge for two days now and am in a stew of mixed feelings. Part of me misses my sister and am amazed at just how large my room is without another person around (I've had several visitors in and out over the past few months so it was always quite full); another part is frustrated by the fact that I don't have my computer with me and as a result cannot talk to my friends back home (fortunately, I've been able to talk to my family every night over the phone); still another is frustrated that I cannot retrieve the self I left here in Cambridge nine days ago before I boarded the train to pick up my sister from Heathrow. That me had come out of carnage alive but bruised; she had come out with so much to say and so much to share but all that had to be kept inside because she had no access to her best friends back home.

I feel like I needed that week to talk to them. I feel like I needed that week to digest everything that had happened and inquire about the new things that had been going on in their lives. Feeling this disconnect has fueled miscommunication and I'm not sure what to do or how to apologize. I just wish we could talk.

* * *

Last night I met up with a few of my coursemates and went to dinner. Then this morning we had brunch in the Botanical Gardens and said good-bye one-by-one: first at the train station, then at the bus. It doesn't feel like school will be starting soon. I feel like I've barely had a summer. And my coursemate was right: we still cannot shake the shadow of the dissertation from our shoulders.

I'm not sure what to make of this time. I'm praying for wisdom and guidance, that I will not waste it. It's hard because so many close friends have left and I've lost my footing with home base. I know God is good though. I just have to go back to that place and try to hear His voice again.

Posted on September 9, 2006 at 08:44AM