More and more I have discovered that I am not - by any stretch of the imagination - a versatile person. I know of people who can adapt to any situation and, after doing so, not think anything of it. I am not so lucky.
I came out of my supervisor's office today with mixed feelings. I handed in the first eight pages of my thesis and a package I had prepared for an upcoming application. We sat there and talked a bit about graduate school, my proposal, and then the conversation turned more specific and not so diplomatic. He revealed some personal things in addition to the workings of graduate schools in general and it reminded me of an experience I had at the end of grade 12. At that time, I had gone to thank my teachers, and had this image of who they were in my head. I didn't realize it then, but I later found out that once you graduate, they become real people and are not afraid to show it. They're bitter and they complain and they are also not so smiley.
I have seen this side of my professor before - usually when I forget to make an appointment and catch him off guard. But listening to him today, I felt my heart harden again, and become just that much more cynical. Lesson of this day: Do not worry so much about your research proposal because Master's programs are a. not really important as a career move and b. Master's students are essentially seen as cash cows. And in response to his statement, I affirmed that I guess I was okay with being a cash cow, or, to my chagrin, that my parents were willing to be. I wish with all my heart I could have responded differently. I felt like I betrayed my parents and him telling me all this, somehow cheapened my dreams of going to Oxford and Cambridge. I can't explain it but I just started to see the schools in a different light. I understand that this is how the world works but I also don't like how everything always comes down to money, even though I am so blessed to have it.
Why exactly I am writing, I'm not sure. This entry sounds stiff to me but perhaps I am just working in academic mode. I came home with so many mixed emotions that I had to write them down and hopefully repair some of that optimism I so cling to.
1 comment:
AUTHOR: Jackie
DATE: 01/28/2005 12:08:05 PM
TRUDY!!!
IT's true. This world is evil, and increasingly more so each day. I think the only thing that stops the world from being destructed and the judgement day coming is "the Holy Spirit [who] intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will (Romans 6:27)." This includes the prayers of the saints too, for we have a responsibility that has been given to us on this earth - to pray and to make Jesus known (Matthew 28:18-20). Who are the saints? By the unfathomable Grace of God, through Jesus Christ, the saints are us. Me and you Trudy, and ALL our brothers and sisters in Christ. AND, it is NOT based on works (Ephesians 2:8-9).Anyway, I just wanted to give you some verses in response to your blog entry:
I John 2:15-17
John 15:18-20
John 16:32-33
I John 5:5
May truth flourish in your heart!
Jack
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