Today is Thursday, 28 June 2007. This month is drawing to a close, and in my mind are all the things that I need to do before July begins.
Been thinking a lot about purpose lately. What seemed important one month ago is vaguely so now, and I often think about what I would like five, ten, years from now. Dad's ill, but not suffering. He's always had a weak body, but I'm grateful that God's been taking care of him while I'm away. Saw 'Proof' last week while I was sick, and it made me think about all the things we forgo in order to be there, and/or to care for those we love. Life happens. And I've made my choices. They are clear, but that doesn't mean I don't struggle with them, especially when I'm back and many times feel that I'm behind in the race again. Race for what? I've been asking myself? A professorship? things on the CV? I have to remind myself to be grateful. Things seem to fall into the laps of other people, but I cannot compare or I will go mad in doing so. I sometimes wonder if the pressure of this kind of life is what I want - this constant, nagging guilt, especially when one is not in one's stride, in the rhythm of that reading/writing, in that bookworm meditation. Breaking out of it makes it more difficult to break back in.
One week to registration. Hardly. Make it 3 days, and they are not even whole days. Two days next week will be spent at an assessment seminar. Have been away from my work for nearly a month now and am not sure that I even remember what I wrote. I need to get back into that head space in order to defend/discuss it. I pray that everything will be okay.
Truth is I have little choice but to go forward - but such an expanse is once again scary and not liberating. Perception is reality; so my perception needs to change, develop again so that reality is neither scary nor debilitating.
1 comment:
AUTHOR: An
DATE: 06/29/2007 02:35:01 PM
hey tru, it's me, An. I know how you feel. Psychic link notwithstanding, I seriously think our lives were meant to be lived in parallel because I struggle with the same thing here. Always feeling like you're behind the ball, always trying to catch up, clue in, get there.
But one thing i was reading last night in Psalm 112 reminded me to stop. It says, "Blessed is the man who fears the LORD, who finds great delight in his commands...he will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear."
Our hearts need to be secure first. :)
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