In the past 21 years of my life, I have never truly known what it has felt like to not want to wake up in the morning. I have never felt this mind and heart numbing sensation; this feeling of wanting to cry and yet not being able to; of stress and frustration and complete blindness. Maybe this is a sign that I need to go back to God. And indeed, I do. Everyday. But these feelings are not so much matters of a weak faith; they are just merely feelings of complete uncertainty, of missing those at home tremendously, and of knowing not where my next step will land and yet forcing myself to take it. Funny how times of greatest expression (or the need to) are the times of complete silence. Voiceless words cry out. When my mom closed the door to exit the house this morning, I just let go. It was this built up sob that came out as this loud sound. Something so deep and so scared and so uncertain just wailed.
Posted on September 16, 2005 at 01:20AM
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AUTHOR: Clarissa
DATE: 09/18/2005 05:04:18 AM
hey tru,
it's not often that i read such honest words, and i just wanted to say thank you for sharing. I wish i had the words to say to make everything go away, but we both know that I dont have the power to do that. I can tell you, though, that I am here for you. I may never understand what you go through, but I am here to listen and lend a hand if you ever need it. I know our circumstances are different, but there are definately days when I wake up and wish i could stay asleep forever. Just know, tru, that you're never alone. You're a courageous and strong woman, and I know you'll come through. The future is scary, but waiting for it is always scarier. Once you get there, it wont be so scary. Hang in there, Tru. Sending lots of hugs.
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