I feel like I'm writing in circles and, having received a paper that I'm supposed to edit, briefly glancing through its pages, I feel inadequate to write this paper, this one staring at me at 1:00 in the morning.
Despite everything a guest lecturer said about not using your life as material for your work, I find that I have to put down these thoughts somewhere and maybe it's okay because it's not like I'm using it for fiction, making myself vulnerable to the public eye - at least, not to that many "public eyes." No, this page is most likely read by those closest to my heart and I guess that's okay; most of them know it anyways. For those one or two strangers who happen across these words, I guess it's okay too because chances are I won't ever meet them so it doesn't matter too much what they read of me. Really, it's okay.
These past couple of days have been both tiring and frustrating. I don't know why. I can't write, and no matter how hard I try to get excited over this paper, no matter how much I try to make it something beautiful, it's coming out convoluted and incoherent. I just feel like I need some kind of affirmation. It feels like so long since I've had someone there there for me and I guess that's one of the prices paid when those closest to you are a bizillion miles away. We're all busy, I know and I'm busy too. It's just been really really lonely lately.
I seriously don't know what has caused this resurgence of insecurities recently. To be honest, I don't want them but I know that ignoring them won't make them go away. Maybe if I sleep it off and come back to the text tomorrow. Maybe it'll be coherent. Maybe it'll be beautiful.
1 comment:
*hugz* First of all, I don't see the logic in the speaker saying that you shouldn't write about things in your own life...because isn't that the point of writing? That you write about the things that first and foremost on your heart, and with a twist of imagination it becomes fiction? But isn't all literature based on a very PERSONAL ideal...
The difference between a script writer for television or the films and an author of a book is that while the tv show or movie is written FOR the audience, the author should be writing for himself. You write because it's IN YOU to write...because you can't imagine yourself doing anything else, it's like a demon inside of you that must be relinquished from its cage and once you release it, you feel relieved. It's cathartic. (That's a Rilk'ism).
But yah, Tru, I know it's hard that we're all busy and so far away. I'm sorry you've been feeling lonely lately...wish i was there to plop beside you on the couch to watch reruns of OTH - i loved last night's episode too! (especially the scenes with Nathan). So maybe this all belongs in an email somewhere, where it's not all out for the world to see.
So here's your stamp of affirmation. Tru, WRITE. I command thee to write!! It's in your blood, in your breath, and in your heart...it's in all that you are, and you are DARN GOOD AT IT. Enter cheesy amanda marshall song "I believe in you...." okay? I can't wait until you join me in Toronto and we can stop doing this silly cyber communiques and actually be there in person. Until then, here's to cyber hugs!
April 15, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterAn
Post a Comment