I wish I knew where I'd be five years from now. I wish I knew who I would be with, the place I'd be living, the life path I would have chosen. Scratch that. The life path God would have chosen.
I've been struggling a lot with this concept lately, the mingling of fates I mean. You know, that mixture of "how much of it is God?" and "how much of it is me?" kind of thing. How exactly are we supposed to respond to God? And in what way? Am I walking close enough to hear His voice, heed His guidance? And what if I miss it? What if I miss IT?
Mind you, that IT could be a whole world of things. That IT is the thing that constantly eludes us isn't it? IT is the thing that producers make movies about, writers write novels about, philosophers and theorists theorize about. That IT is what we think about. At least, it is what I've been thinking about most recently, and constantly.
I don't doubt that we all struggle with this. I don't doubt that each person wakes up each morning wondering whether he or she had made the right decision the day before, wonders whether he or she has walked the right path, and if he or she should be doing something better, something greater.
Having said that, I speak for myself now when I say that this very thought kept me up all night last night.
I would be lying if I said that I hadn't felt lonely or isolated in the past few weeks. But such inner quietude paired with a reminder of faith has given me a great sense of purpose. People always remind us that God uses 'Dark Horse' moments to draw our attention. And to reference Rilke, there is something deeply compelling about loneliness and solitude. It awakens that thing within us (what is it? the heart? our soul?) and causes us to listen, to think beyond ourselves.
My life is filled with so much comfort. And I struggle constantly with yielding to that comfort (because there are times when I long for it, and more importantly, because that comfort would take care of my parents). But then I think about the times of progress, the times of great purpose and a step forward in fulfilling that life, one more stone paved on that path, and I cannot think of those times without thinking about the quiet moments that accompanied them. For me, it pushes me beyond myself; for me, I feel it here (touches heart); for me, it is about that journey.
1 comment:
AUTHOR: Clarissa
DATE: 07/21/2005 11:46:40 PM
hi tru! =)
I think solitude and reflection can be such beautiful things. =) It is in the quiet times that we can hear God's voice a little louder without all the distractions of life. That's so wonderful that you have that sense of purpose and that sense of peace in your life, Tru. =) I think it's natural for us to wonder about God's will and our will and how they fit together. Truth is, though, God is the God of our future as well as our past and present. Even if we choose the 'wrong' path today, God can lead us back to where He wants us to go. Just think of Abraham and Sarah. =) God will get His way, even if it takes a little longer for us to get there. =)
Always, clarissa
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Eugene
DATE: 07/23/2005 07:52:09 PM
Indeed the thoughts you've shared on this post are quite common. It's natural to wonder about the unknown. God created us to be unique creatures with vivid imaginations. Having said that, it is quite evident we do allow our imagination to run quite wild at times. It has and will always be the unknown that we seem to invest the most curiousity into. Who? What? Where? When? Why? How? The 5 W's and 1 H that we learned plenty of times in grade school are not just basic starters to questions we are taught to write with but also as the basic elements to digging deeper into the lives we live.
As I continue to wait and wonder where God will call me to study this year, the anticipation grows greater and greater each day. I've never felt so much in limbo ever. Whether Calgary or Edmonton, the unknowns become ever increasingly diverse. Yet, at the same time there is much excitement we will beging to experience when we know that this path has always been God's chosen path for us. It's good to know we're good hands!
- the not-so-restless wanderer
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