elucidation

My best friend Dez has a way of asking the most penetrating of questions; they are simple and clear; poignant, which means incredibly sharp. This year, they have cut through many of the 'Gordian knots' in my life.

At the risk of more self-exposure, I need to write to bring some closure to the last two entries.

True, the act the humble acceptance depends on two types of faith: in others and in oneself. Dez asked last night: 'Which do you think you lack more in?' and I responded: 'The latter, though that feeds the former'. Second question: 'Do you think you deserved the compliments/apology? I guess what I'm asking is whether you felt it was justified; not whether the other person did right/wrong, but whether you were legitimately hurt'. She asked these questions in a spirit of gentleness, of probing concern, though their abstraction here does not convey that fully (sorry Dez - you really were very assuring).

The answer to these questions is 'no'. And that's why I felt so upset after the apology, after the retrospective 'congratulations'; none were deserved, at least not fully. I felt like such retrospective actions were misplaced and that my intentions were misunderstood (note: the apology and 'congratulations' were and are unrelated though they occured in the same space). And trying to explain this here is a tricky feat because it's difficult to explain something without others mistaking it for solicitation. Digression: as a personal philosophy, I have always held that the truest things do not need to said aloud; they can seen empirically. Faulkner would question whether the utterance of the word 'love' negates the actual feeling. But 'not-saying' and wanting people just to see and know is itself counterproductive because many times people cannot see or be sensitive enough to pick up on the tiniest of things such as the slight inflection of voice or aversion of eyes. I am not making a value judgement here because I know from experience that sometimes sensitivity can lead to over-sensitivity which unfortunately includes the reading into things that are not there. Sensitivity, like all other 'virtues', has its time and place; it cannot be abstractly 'good' or 'bad'.

Returning to my main point, I need first to note that there are certain situations which rightfully (or conventionally) prompt 'congratulations'; these include engagements, weddings, new jobs, new starts, births, and promotions and what not. Such congratulations are easy to accept because they are, for the most part, conventionally held. Monday's congratulations were thus easier to accept. Friday's results were of a different nature.

When I shared the news this weekend, I didn't want congratulations because such congratulations would have indicated that I had done something to deserve what I was given. And the truth of the matter was that I didn't. The paper was a collaborative effort and it is a mistake to think that one person could've done it alone. I shared only with those who knew the stark contrast between what was going on in August, the struggles and hardships, and the surprise of the results. It was supposed to be an acknowledgement of undeserved grace (that's purposeful tautology), not congratulations. It had very little to do with me. I just wanted to share with those who had gone through that time with me when things looked so grim, so dark. It was just supposed to point to hope.

I think for some, this distinction seems unnecessary, but for me, the nature of these two types of responses matters greatly. It matters to be understood, to know the intentions behind the actions. I have yet to meet someone who would rather prefer cursory actions to heartfelt intentions. That's why God looks at the heart first and foremost.

Friends are there to help you make sense of the world. They sit with you without judgement and help you to figure out the mess in your own head. I am blessed with three such people, all who have and continue to sit patiently beside me while I try to explain the confusions and complexities in my thinking. They help to tease out the paradoxes until they become clear. I hope I do that for them as well. Thanks for cutting that knot Dez ;) And thanks Andy for starting that ball rolling.

Posted on October 11, 2006 at 08:02AM