Doors Closed

The library tower doesn't open until 10:00 am. It's 9:34 right now. So I sit and wait.

I've decided to think about all that has happened in the past week or so. It has been pretty much non-stop and though I keep telling myself that I'm doing good with God, deep down I don't think I am. I am "good" in terms that I still thank Him, still pray (though I find that they're becoming shorter and shorter) and from time to time (at least, early on this week) I read His word.

The problem has to do with, I think, the fact that I have tried to shut myself down emotionally over this past week. It began early on - two weeks ago - when I had to really buckle down and force myself to work. Do not think. Do not feel. Just do. Because I find that when I start to think, feel especially, that's when I need to take time, time that early on and even now, I do not have. In the process of this "shut down" however, I've lost a bunch of things. And my relationship with God has suffered as a result.

After my crazy weekend of a thesis, research paper and a 3 hour Shakespeare exam, I sat down Tuesday night to watch about 3 hours of TV (which my sister had all taped). I found myself hating every minute I was on that couch. I felt so guilty. Being there. It's a crazy thought but the same thing happened Thursday night.

The week as a whole has been good though. I said good-bye to my supervisor yesterday and we ended up talking in his office for a little over half-an-hour (the meter in my car was up). The things I like most about the end of the year are the good-byes. As much as I don't like saying good-byes (in general I mean, on the phone, etc.), I think that I'm pretty good at saying the "final" ones.

There is so much that looms ahead. There is so much to do today and as today, tonight, I just want to sleep, to curl up and take a little time to just recuperate, re-evaluate things and then come out hopefully feeling better. I guess time will tell. First things first though. I need to study. But before that, maybe I'll crack open that Bible and start to read.

Oh look. The doors are about to open.