Brevity

Not many words can express what I've been going through lately. It's been a mixture of anxiety, sadness and complete fear. In the process of it all - in the midst of all the stress - my heart has become numb in order to survive. Somewhere in this week, it became overwhelmed by all the pressure and escaped me. And now, I can't even tell how I feel; I can't place my heart.

Then something happened to me tonight. After reading a batch of accountability emails from my girls, I brought out my Bible and started to read. I was in desperate need of His word tonight. I needed to hear His voice and as He spoke, tears welled up. The picture on the right is something I want to remember for the rest of my life. More specifically, it's something that I want to document and hold onto for strength this semester. My pastor made an unexpected altar call this morning. Unprecedented, it was whole heartedly prompted by the Spirit. I didn't go up. I couldn't. Not yet. Promises need to be material, not just words. Perhaps it is the mind that sustains us when we can't feel what we believe in our hearts, when we can't fully surrender our hearts to God. But tonight I learned that the mind is not enough. In the face of sin, God calls for our hearts and in Romans 7:25 Paul talks about how he knows all these doctrines, all these "right" things and yet, he is still bound. He writes: "So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin." God needs our hearts and I want so much to re-locate mine and give it to Him. Perhaps realizing this is a start.