This week's been a bit off, and since Tuesday I've been contemplating throwing in the towel. It's that feeling that I'm holding up all the pillars in my life, that I'm the only one trying, that if I were to let go, then things would come crashing down: people would leave, work would slip, opportunities would disappear right before my eyes. I would miss the boat/window/whatever have you. Safe spaces. Where are you?
So I was struggling with God this morning. I questioned - why is it that when things are 'good' with you Lord, when I bring things to you in prayer, that things go well but when I 'drop the ball' on devotional/prayer time, things just. . .go? Must I pray for everything? This is surely silly Lord because if that's the case then it appears that it all depends on me - how hard I pray, how much time I spend, (and on and on). That can't be right. That can't be good. Because it's not about me and my efforts - it's about your will.
And God answered. Walking up the steps to the UL, He opened my eyes to this point: the prayers, the time spent with Him is not for him but for me. It's not about moving His hand to do x or y, to change the course of my life in this direction or that; rather, it's about preparing my heart for the events and moments that He's already determined. The context, the reality of situations never changes; just my attitude, my perception. There are two ways of looking at any situation: from the world's point of view and then from God's. A long time ago, Pastor Kwek explained it like this: 'prayer is for us. It's about re-aligning our hearts with God's'. And so that's it. I need the realignment; and I need spiritual eyes.
